First Aired 10/8/99
Dr. Theo: How do you feel?
Michael: Oh, it's hard to tell. Lack of oxygen may have given me brain damage but I'm under warranty, right?
Dr. Theo: We think yesterday's attack was an accident.
Michael: An accident? You're saying some guy wiped out two floors of a major midtown hotel and it was a boo-boo?
Dr. Theo: He wants to meet one man with a satchel full of
bonds. I volunteered you.
Michael: I don't get it. What am I going to do? Am I going to run real fast? Am I going to beat him at arm-wrestling? Are we going to have a contest to see who can hold his breath the longest?
Dr. Theo: Why send in a real live man, when you can send in
one who's already died?
Michael: What? That's it? That's what makes me the right man for this job? Because I've been dead?
Michael: Can we discuss this, please? Guy to guy? Man to man? Science fair project to scientist?
Dr. Theo: You're stronger than any man on the planet. You're
faster than any man on the planet and, theoretically, at least,
if something should happen to you, I could -- if I had a couple
of billion dollars and a new brain -- build another unit to
Michael: Awww, you're just saying that to make me feel better.
Michael: What are we working on now? Speed painting? Now this is something I could excell at. Just give me a roller and watch me work. That saving the world stuff? I'm not sure that's me. But home improvement? I feel I can make a real contribution in that area.
Michael: You know, that's not my area.
Dr. Theo: What's not your area?
Michael: Pretty much anything having to do with gravity. I'm a spectator-sport kind of guy.
Agent: We just need to flush out who he is, which is where the
prototype comes in.
Dr. Theo: Gentlemen, we make it a point to refer to Mr. Wiseman as Mr. Wiseman.
Michael: Oh, that's okay. They can just call me by my model number and I'll address you fellas by your "hole" names.
Agent: What do you mean, whole names?
Michael: Well, you'll be a-hole and you'll be b-hole and you'll be... Well, you get the idea.
Dr. Theo: I thought we agreed that we were going to
concentrate on the here and now.
Michael: Call me an old softy, but there's something about staring at death a second time that makes me nostalgic.
Michael: Hey, I think we got a live one.
Dr. Theo: You sure it's him?
Michael: Either that or some straphanger's making a really kinky fashion statement.
Michael: I got to tell you, though, he's a really puny guy. A midget. Not even a midget. A midge. I'm telling you, I can take him. Hell, even your Aunt Minnie could take him.
Lisa: Stop saying my name like you've known me for a million years. And stop acting so familiar. You are completely unfamiliar! In fact, you're crazy! You're a crazy man, walking around, asking people to hold his eggs.
Lisa: Screw you. Screw you!
Michael: Really? You sure? It's a weekday, you know.
Lisa: You know him?
Dr. Theo: Since the day he was born.
Dr. Theo: You didn't see anything strange down there, did you?
He didn't do anything unusual, did he?
Lisa: Well, he gave me an egg. (Beat) And then he kissed me.
Dr. Theo: That's very distressing. He's not supposed to do that. You have my word, ma'am that he will be given the most severe reprimand possible.
Lisa: Well, let's not go overboard. It wasn't completely unpleasant.
Roger: I don't completely understand it, but, I think I've been made a fool of.
Dr. Theo: Scientist to science fair project, I'm very proud.
Dr. Theo: You're dead, my friend and you're just going to have to learn to live with that.
Quotes from "One for the Money" »