Episode 5:
"The Insurance Man Always Rings Twice"
First Aired 10/22/99
Dr. Theo: You can do it. (indicating a metal door that he
wants Michael to go through)
Michael: Oh, yeah, with a can opener.
Dr. Theo: With your body, you can do it.
Michael: With *your* body, I'd like to do it.
Dr. Theo: I am intimately familiar with every fiber of your being, Mr. Wiseman.
Michael: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a hot shower and dip my body in a vat of Ben-Gay.
Michael: "¿Como?" is that all you have to say to me? I mean, every night it's the same thing and I'm getting pretty damn sick of it. "Como" this, "Como" that. There's more to the world than Perry Como.
Michael: Hey, Sanchez, if you don't speak English, how come you have the Times? What's the deal? You like the lingerie ads?
Dr. Theo: And then you escaped.
Michael: I prefer to think of it as a brief sabbatical.
Lisa: (looking around) So where'd you put it? All the dirty
clothes, the magazines, you know, stuff?
Heather: Mom!
Lisa: Under the bed?
Heather: I can't believe this!
Lisa: In the closet?
Heather: That's it, I'm calling the authorities. I'm calling
Sally Jessy Raphael.
Roger: So how did that little get-together with Lisa Wiseman
go?
Craig Spence: (gratingly) Oh, it was very nice. She had a club
soda, I had a drink. She asked for money, I said no.
Roger: (muttering) Jackass.
Craig Spence: So, why do you want to be my assistant? It's a
terrible job.
Michael: I don't want to be your assistant. I want to be you. But
that job appears to be taken.
Craig Spence: Have we met?
Michael: Not in this life... not that I know of.
Michael: I've discovered he likes to have his shirts starched lightly, his coffee sweetened heavily and his ego massaged thoroughly.
Dr. Theo: What? No "Hi, honey, I'm home"?
Lisa: Well, I already have an offer.
Michael: Maybe I'll beat it.